Confessions and Regrets

There was a day when my Ex-wife showed up at my house early on a Saturday in a very strange mood. One I have never seen before. I let her into my place and she sat at my computer chair and began crying and I asked her what the problem was?. She answered "She was sorry for what she did and how she ended our marriage". Why are your saying this now? I asked and she responded that she is unhappy in her situation and wishes it were different. I said to her what did you think was going to happen when you deceived, lied and treated me as you did. I told you this is going to come back to you ten fold, nothing will be the same ever. Did you think the grass was greener on the other side I said to her. She said to me that she has no friends, no life to speak of and she is stuck in the house 24/7 because she works from home so there is no going out for lunch with friends because they are all in the office and what friends that she has live 30 miles away and can't just up and go like she used to when she worked out of the office. I said I can't help you with that. My EX-wife Angela sent me an e-mail that said this

Manny,

I'm happy to know you get it, but sad that it took so long. I know you were unhappy for much of our marriage because you lost your zest for living. It has always upset me to see you zone out in front of the TV rather than get out and enjoy life. You gave me that joy in our early years and it's something our kids have learned as they've grown. They are always out living their lives. That's why Sammi was so unhappy dating Angelo... he stopped her from living and doing and being. I had hoped we could remain friends, at least in time. I do love you, Manny. And I do have regrets and I am sorry for a lot of things. When Tinker was sick, I thought we had the chance to be good to each other without all the crap. And when she died... Then with Toni being so involved with Jacquie that she went retarded. And Matt with his moments of not coping well and lashing out. And Sammi, she just wants to hide under the covers and hop it will all go away. We have great kids, Manny. We have done wonderful things.I just wish you would learn to stop giving up on yourself so easily, so quickly, and so totally. I don't now, nor have I ever, wanted you to go away. And I know the kids don't really want that either. They may think it will make things easier but they will only end up feeling you didn't want them or they weren't important enough to keep you near them. And Toni is still seeking your approval. Remember yourself back in the day when you were too busy hating family to try to see where they were coming from. You would have missed out on some great memories with your father, Martha, Mama Giga, Annie, Carlos, your niece and nephew. Toni only gets hateful because she feels she can't do anything right enough for you. She WANTS your approval and I don't know how she's going to handle this change in things. I know you want the best for your kid. And you deserve credit for the way they turned out too. I can't believe you would walk away from them, as you make it sound like you are. You are a wonderful guy and I wish only the best for you. I had hoped we could enjoy our children and continue to raise them and be there for them keeping up that united front so they would know we both meant business and were doing things for their best interest. I hate to see you go, especially if it means the kids won't have access to you. I am truly sorry for hurting you but I am more sorry I couldn't make you happy. I was never the wife you wanted and I am sorry you settled for me. I hope you find happiness and get that love of life back that you had. Always joking, laughing, going places, doing things. That's the Manny I miss and fell in love with. Thank you for sharing that part of your life with me and teaching me not to be afraid to live a little.

Angie

This e-mail was response to this e-mail I sent her which was this

Angie

I would like to say sorry for not being a great husband. I've messed my opportunity to be a great husband. I realize I failed you and myself in that aspect. I now realize I was a hard person to live with but my emotions get to me when I realize my wife was not being faithful. What I should have done was when I woke up every morning and to say to myself, How can I make you happy today? and I didn't do that and I'm sorry. That is something I can't change now but maybe someday I can do that with someone else. I getting all my affairs in order so when I go, their will be no regrets. Have a good Christmas and tell the kids I love them.

Manny

That e-mail says everything about my regrets during our marriage because I thought if I provided a loving home then everything will be fine but I guess that wasn't enough for her. She always wanted more, it was never enough. I tried to give my family everything I had and more and my dreams of the future have now been destroyed. I wanted a wife who was caring , patient, understanding and she was in the beginning. I wanted a partner who was passionate about life and I not always having to entertain her. Most of all I wanted a wife who was passionate with her husband. She was always timid and that should have been a sign to me that our marriage is doomed. Not that sex is the only thing in a marriage but for a relationship to be healthy there must be a healthy sex life. She never let herself enjoy sex, like it was a sin to enjoy sex.
I feel as if after all that has happened and all that will happen, this has been a good thing for me. I get to stop worring about what she is thinking because I truely don't care what she thinks anymore. She wants to equate our divorce as a war, declaring winning or losing depending on the issue at hand. I told her it's not about winning or losing, it's about what is right and best for our kids. If she doesn't see that, there is going to be alot of unnecessary drama coming her way. At this time in my life all I want is to be rid of her but I never will be because she is the mother of my kids. I have come to the realization that it is a waste of my time and energy fighting with Angela whenever she calls to complain because I'm letting her upset me is what she wants to do. So, now I know this, I can stop it from happening anymore by just letting her vent and say How can I help you deal with this? I do this with no regrets.